A well-placed pause is more than just a way for people like me (verbal processors/people who talk a lot) to catch our breath. Pause saves actual relationships, both personal and professional. Yes, that sounds dramatic but bear with me. This is important for two reasons:
1. Pausing allows me to ground myself before taking action.
2. Pausing keeps me from living in reaction (see also: codependency).
There's a part of me, let's call her 20-Something Christy, who has no pause. Like, none. She unleashes all of the thoughts the instant they materialize inside her mouth, adding fire for emphasis as needed. And there's a 30-Something Christy who holds her tongue because she learned that the cost of truth-bringing, even without fire, is sometimes too damn high.
The experiences that informed these younger versions of me were real. There was a time when fire was the best damn option. There was a time when silence kept me most safe/least miserable. Now I've grown; I've changed! And one way or the other the people close to me have changed too.
As hindsight magically does, I can finally see that my old ways--both the fire and silence--were destructive ways of being that caused great harm. At first, when these impulsive reactions assaulted my relationships with others and then again later, when my silence nearly devoured me.
Now I am 44 and I'm settling into a more neutral space in the middle of those painful extremes. Yes, I still want to use my voice to express my needs and desires, to support loved ones, and to make a difference in the world around me but I want to THINK, ACT, and SPEAK from a place of love.
The power of pause lets me think, act, and speak from a grounded, healthy, loving place. That's my sweet spot and life feels better when I work from it.
Here's the not-so-sexy reality: My wounds have no patience and they are not kind. My silence is a betrayal too. And while both of those versions still live within me, I am responsible for what happens when they rise.
Once more for the folks in the back: I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THEY RISE!
When they rise I have to choose to practice that pause. I listen to what rises and breathe through that chaos until the best of me is back in charge. From that grounded place I can speak the truth--no matter how tender--and cultivate more success than fire or silence ever did.
We all know how to pause, right? We just need to remember to use it! Let's practice right now. Take a deep breath… and exhale. Inhale again… and exhale. See? Pause. We can do this.
Now let’s check in. Where does this message leave you? Where do you most need to practice this pause? Work? Partnership? Parenting? In the car? Or maybe with your parents? Perhaps you need it most for the one in the mirror?
This love note may be all you needed to remember the power of pause. If not, if pausing feels impossible then please remember that I am here to help. That may be a sign that old wounds want your attention. You deserve support too. Reach out and get it!
Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash
